Someone PLEASE help make sense of my ex-boyfriends actions.
**TL;DR - My boyfriend kept his wealth a secret from me throughout our entire relationship. I ended the relationship on the pretext that he wasn't money/career motivated, he didn't say anything to the contrary. **
I have been dating Will for most of 2014; I met him on New Years Eve, we exchanged numbers, scheduled a coffee date and have been seeing each other ever since. He's tall and shy, with long thick hair like Eddie Vedder. He lives in an older house by himself and drives a 1997 Toyota. He dresses very casually - I don't think he even owns a collared shirt - and all his clothes are minimum 1-2 years old. For income, he told me he "ran a few websites" and picked up piece-work as a 'session guitarist'. He is also very frugal. He never took me out for fancy dinners or anything. In the beginning it was always coffee dates, walks, hikes, etc. If we go out, he insists on 'pre-drinking' and refuses to buy drinks at a bar. Most nights he was content staying in, watching Netflix and playing his guitar.
I never outright asked how much money he made, but given his lifestyle, clothes, furnishings, etc. plus the fact that he rarely worked, I assumed it wasn't much. I would lightly prod him with questions about the future, if he had any career goals - he would say that he "saw me in his future", but also he was "happy the way things were".
I have Facebook and am on it every day, usually when work is slow. Lately my newsfeed has been filled with my peers getting married, buying houses, having babies, and other various accolades. I can't help but feel jealous by this; it seems like everyone but me is making significant gains in their lives and relationships. Three weeks ago, after seeing a girl I knew from high school buy her 3rd property with her husband, it felt like my relationship with Will was juvenile and had no future.
The next time I was over at Will's (after he served me potato soup for dinner and was torrenting a documentary for us to watch later) I ended the relationship. I was perfectly honest about everything - he was a great guy, I loved him and his personality, but I felt he lacked career/life ambition and we wanted different things for the future. He sat and listened to everything, seemingly unmoved by it. When I finished talking, he said "fine by me" and asked me to leave. I went to hug him on my way out, instead he just guided me out the door and slammed it shut behind him.
With prior boyfriends, we'd still talk or text a bit after we'd be broken up. Sometimes we'd even still hook up. I dunno, I've just never had a 'bad break-up' and always try to remain on good terms. I haven't heard a fucking word from Will, even after texting him multiple times and calling him once.
I saw two of Wills friends at the gym today. I went over and made small talk, asked how he was, etc. I tried to explain myself, saying he was a great guy but our views on money and the future didn't seem to mesh. To this, one friend chuckled to himself and walked away. I asked the other friend WTF that's about it, and he says "Yeah, we heard. The thing is, Will's loaded. He inherited his grandpas land which is leased to oil and gas companies. I've seen the quarterly checks he gets and they're more than my yearly salary. Good luck getting him to spend it, though. He has a 'if it aint broke, dont fix it' type mentality. Just look at that piece of shit he drives!"
This has completely baffled and upset me. I dated him for 10 months when I thought he was penniless, proof I'm not a fucking gold-digger. I am a 26 year old woman who needs to be pragmatic, I can't just indefinitely date someone with the future being so uncertain. He could've said something, ANYTHING during our break up when I was explaining my doubts about our relationship. Instead he said nothing, and now he refuses to talk to me. It makes absolutely no sense.
I just feel so low right now. If a man with disposable income meets a woman he likes, doesn't he want to treat her? He said he "saw me in his future", why didn't he care enough to share these things with me? He could have easily kept our relationship alive by being forthcoming. Someone please help me make sense of this situation. -into-the-abyss, October 27, 2014
(Comment left by a commenter to the poster.)
If a man with disposable income meets a woman he likes, doesn't he want to treat her?
As a man with a great deal of disposable income:
In short, no. When I meet a woman I like, I want to have fun with her. I want to enjoy life with her. And if that's not enough, then I want nothing to do with her, as I won't like her any more if that's not enough.
I'm married. My wife met me when I was a graduate student. At the time my networth was quite high (due to years of investing and financial guidance from my father), but I lived poor anyway because I wasn't making much money (except from investment income). She didn't care. So I kept seeing her. Before I met her, I met a chain of women just like you, and much like Will, when they showed their true colors I wanted nothing more to do with them. -I_FUCK_UP_RECIPES, October 27, 2014
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